"Update" Email to Family and Friends

Good morning family and friends,

A coworker recommended this film to me. I've just watched it. It's about 80 minutes long and very worthwhile. If you've ever wondered what it feels like for me when I'm manic or depressed or wondered how to support me or just wanted to know "what the heck is wrong with Krystal": watch this documentary. Up/Down: Bipolar Disorder Documentary.

As many of you know, I was hospitalized for ten days with my second manic episode April 2013. And I was on disability from April to June. (The first hospitalization was in April 2007 for nearly three weeks.) This last year has been incredibly difficult for me. I felt empty and blah most of it. Was just going through the motions of life. Not really living. You know? And then this week or last week it really turned around. I feel great! Like pre-hospital-Krystal great. But there was a nagging thought in the back of my mind: "what if this is the onset of another manic episode?" I know the warning signs: racing thoughts, pressured speech, hypersexuality, grandiose thoughts, poor impulse control, shopping excessively (in 2007, I charged $10,000 on my credit cards in less than three months), talking a lot, decreased need for food and sleep.

To check myself, 1) I'm more wordy. I have been posting to Facebook and Instagram more than what has been normal for me in this past sucky year. My therapist called it "weird, philosophically manic" ramblings. Lol. 2) I have felt the need to compulsively take down to-do lists and then the need to complete the tasks. It's almost akin to how I imagine ADHD is (which interestingly enough, many kids who have bipolar disorder get misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD). I can't keep still. Eating dinner tonight I had to force myself to finish eating before I got up to complete a to-do list task. When I was in the hospital this last time it took me 40-60 minutes to eat each meal because I literally couldn't sit still. In the hospital I termed it "vibrating with energy." 3) I have pressured speech when talking about all my exciting upcoming summer plans. However, when having more humdrum conversations I do not have pressured speech. 4) I have done a lot of shopping in the past 5 days. 5) I've had insomnia for the past 5-6 months so sleep is no longer a reliable marker for me. It used to be; I didn't sleep when I was both manic and depressed.

I say all this to say, that I'm on alert. I've moved back home with my mom temporarily so I've asked her to keep an eye on me. She's an old pro and knows what to look for. But at the same time I am very sad that I have to be on alert. How come I can't just be having an awesome day? Why do I have to worry and second guess myself if it's mania?

I almost don't want to "look a gift horse in the mouth." This last year has been awful. I gained 52 pounds on one of my medicines (thankfully, I'm no longer on it). And I've only lost about 10 pounds of it. I've had to buy new clothes just to get by. I had a crying fit at work in October. Not in front of the students, thank god. I held it together to be "on" in class, but in between my classes I was a wreck. I'm happy that I feel better. And to be honest I have missed the mania. I'm so much more alive and alert manic. But I know it's not sustainable. Nor would I want to be in a manic state forever.

So, how can you support me? Continue doing what you have been doing. Praying for me. Answering my phone calls and texts when I want to talk. Calling or texting me unprompted. Hanging out with me. I have 7 days left of work before I go on my 3-month summer vacation. I would love to hang out with each and every one of you. A movie. A meal. A stroll through Central Park. Just continue to be my friend. I have an incredible support team in my therapist and psychiatrist, have been with them for 7 years, so I don't need that kind of support from you. I have professionals :)

Thank you for reading all of this. I love you all.

All my best,

~Krystal

ps I've asked permission to teach this book in my graphic novel course next year. I would show the documentary before we read the book.Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me by Ellen Forney. I think it's incredibly important to break the silence around mental health. I'm not sure if the book will get approved. But I'll keep you updated.

pps I've been toying with the idea of leaving teaching in 5 years to go back to school for either a Master in Social Work or a Master in Public Health. I think I want to be a mental health care advocate. I need to do more research into the field though to be sure it's what I really want to pursue. Especially since I have such an awesome career right now.