Mania Season

Every year for the last three years I have been hospitalized for mania. That is, three hospitalizations in three years. To put that fact into perspective: I've been hospitalized four times, my first hospital stay was in 2007 but the second stay wasn't until 2013. That means I was stable for six whole years. But since 2013 stability has been hard to sustain.

All four of my manias have happened in the springtime. There's something about the sunshine and flowers blooming that send me into a tailspin. In fact, I wrote about me, mania, and the spring this time last year.

For the past few months I've been apprehensive about spring's arrival. I mean, three for three, what are the odds? And what are the odds that this year won't continue the trend? My boyfriend is claiming the Law of Averages for me. Meaning, my episodes will even out. I've had a crappy run of it the last three years, so my luck must look up soon. I don't know if I believe it, but I'm hoping that it's so.

Knowing that spring is coming and soon, I've been on high alert for warning signs of mania. For instance, twice in the past few weeks I've stayed up writing until the wee hours of the morning, midnight on the first occasion and 2am this morning. I felt incredibly productive and felt driven to keep working even though I know how important good sleep hygiene is. (Decreased sleep is often one of the first signs of mania and depression for me.)

You see, the mania doesn't care about my sleep. The mania is single-minded. But I can't feed into it, which I've now done twice.

However, I am taking care of myself: I take my psych meds regularly, I see my therapist every three weeks, I see my psychiatrist pretty regularly as well, I increased the frequency of my acupuncture sessions knowing that spring is a trouble time, I'm exercising and trying to eat healthy. On the self-care front I've got it covered. If only I could stop giving into the heightened-productivity impulses. I vow to work on that.

I claim that this year I won't be hospitalized.

But if I am, I will commit myself to recovery as I have done the previous four times. Neither mania, nor depression, will bring me to my knees.

I am more than my bipolar label.

Lifestyle Changes and Weight Loss Goals

I want to lose about 10-15 pounds. To do that I've been trying to become more conscious of what I'm eating. I recently started working with a new doctor on lifestyle changes. She believes that there are two types of food. Foods that heal and foods that harm. I can dig that. There is certainly a connection between certain diseases and the foods we eat.

One of the many changes my new doctor suggested is that I stop drinking milk and eating milk-related products. No yogurt, no cheese. This was tough. I used to eat a Greek yogurt for breakfast every morning like clockwork. Well, I needed something to replace the yogurt so I googled healthy breakfasts.

BREAKFAST

This is chia seed pudding. It's made of almond milk, chia seeds, and maple syrup. 

It tasted okay. But I'll definitely have to get used to the consistency and hopefully I

eat it more, as it is packed with nutrients. Chia is known as a superfood.

These beauties are egg muffins. 

They were super easy to make and tasted just like miniature omelets.

I put spinach and diced red and green peppers in mine. But you can add any filling you want.

I've seen some with bacon.

Speaking of omelets... 

For about a week I was obsessed with them 

and they were the only thing I was making for breakfast.

In addition to breakfast, I wanted to also make healthy choices for lunch, dinner, and snacks.

LUNCH/DINNER

I love plantains. I know they're not the healthiest thing I could eat, since they're fried, 

but they're oh-so-good! I paired them with green beans, black beans, and jerk chicken.

I marinated the chicken in a store-bought jerk seasoning,

SNACKS

I made a visit to the year-round, in-door farmers' market. I was impressed with the wide selection of fruits and vegetables they had. I'm trying to snack mostly on fruits and veggies and not junk food.

I've found snack prepping extremely helpful. I measured (literally, with a measuring cup) out a serving size and then put the goodies in Tupperware or Ziploc baggies. Here I have apples, kiwi, strawberries and blueberries, trail mix (cashews, almonds, and cranberries), and carrots. Not shown are my red pepper strips. I eat the carrots and red peppers with hummus.

In the past month, I've already lost about 5 pounds, I just want to lose 10-15 more. I have an ideal weight in mind. Last month I tried to do a 30-day fat loss challenge. It included a meal plan and a 5-day per week workout plan. I only lasted a week. Then I came down with a cold and a terrible cough. Threw me off the workout regime. But to be honest, the meal plan was hard to follow. The food was good but the portion sizes were small. I know I have to change my portion sizes if I want to lose weight. But I was constantly hungry that one week I participated in the fat loss program. However, I wish I could have stuck it out. The other participants posted their before and after photos to Instagram and they got some amazing results in four weeks. I need to get back into my groove of exercising. What are your fitness and health goals?

Learning Spanish

I studied French in middle and high schools. Then once I got to college, I switched to studying Spanish. The result was that I knew neither language well. For instance, I would know a word in one language but not the other.

Case in point: I studied abroad the summer before my senior year of college in Spain, Morocco, Egypt, and Italy. While in Spain, some of my friends and I went to a local grocery store to buy sandwich meat, cheese, and bread. All I could think was "fromage." Fromage is cheese. But in French! For the life of me I could not remember the word "queso." And everybody knows queso is cheese, even people who haven't studied Spanish.

Well, when I was hospitalized in 2013, I was highly manic. Somehow I became fluent in Spanish. The Spanish that I learned in college combined with working one-on-one for a few days with my Spanish-speaking roommate worked a miracle. A symptom of mania is pressured speech (aka talking really fast), combine my pressured speech with the Spanish and I sounded like a native. One of the hospital techs thought I was Latina!

However, once the mania subsided so too did my Spanish-speaking ability. Three years later and I'm doing something to reclaim my lost fluency. In November, I enrolled in a 10-week beginner course that I found a $79 Groupon for. (Yay for Groupon!) The class meets in Manhattan once per week for 90 minutes. I'm nearly done with the course. I take the exam this Tuesday to see how much I mastered from Level 1. But I know I'll pass. I feel pretty confident about the basics of Spanish. So I already went ahead and registered for Level 2, for another 10-week course. It starts next week.

Yo quiero hablar espanol. I want to speak Spanish.

Give me time, and I will be fluent again.

Personal Growth and Goals

I've been thinking a lot about personal growth and pursuing dreams. This fall I started graduate school for my Master's in Social Work. And two weeks ago I started a beginner's course in Spanish. Both have been longstanding goals for me. And I'm finally in a place to pursue them.

I also want to be more deliberate about exercising consistently and eating healthy. There are so many benefits to exercising, both mental and physical. I want to reap the rewards. I also want to stop gaining weight. Between late last year and earlier this year I lost about 35 pounds. Weight that I had gained from one of my psychiatric meds, However, I've since gained back about 17 of those pounds. Lately I feel extra hungry and just eat nonstop. I'm sure it's a side effect of one of my meds. So I need to be proactive and cut back on my portion sizes, make better food choices, and exercise again.

The last goal I have for myself is to get my driver's license. I have a lot of anxiety and fear around driving. That's why I'm a non-driving 32-year-old. I took driver's lessons a few months ago, but then I didn't go to my road test. I'm hoping to kick this fear and get the daggone license once and for all. Wish me luck!

Lastly, I wanted to ask you all: what have you been putting off? What do you want to do? Hobby, career, fitness/health/nutrition, etc? We get a brand new month today. How are you going to use it to get one step closer to the YOU you'd love to be?

Let's become our best selves together!

Thanksgiving 2015 + Gratitude

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love the food! And you know that I love to eat; just check out these two food posts.

This year I spent Thanksgiving with my boyfriend and his family in Pennsylvania. I was a bit worried that I might not like his mother's cooking, but my worries were pointless. The food was good. We had traditional black Thanksgiving foods: ham, turkey, yams, macaroni and cheese, collard greens. His family also had dishes that my family doesn't make on Thanksgiving: lasagna and chicken parmigiana. 

All in all it was a relaxing and fulfilling holiday. I hope your holiday was wonderful, between the food and quality time spent with family and friends!

Furthermore, 'tis the season of reflection and gratitude.

Here's what I'm grateful for:

• My physical and mental health. 
• My family.
• My boyfriend.
• Being able to pursue my MSW and change careers.
• Blogging and sharing my story and life with you all.
• My friends.
• The things we take for granted: a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear.
• Health insurance.
• Good credit.
• Savings.
• The readers of my blog, especially those of you that leave comments. I love to hear from you all!

What are you grateful for this season?

Grad School Accommodations

I've worked - as an instructional assistant, substitute teacher, and full-time teacher - in schools for a little over 7 years. In that time, I've come to see that different students have different needs. For students who receive special education services, they have a legal document in place called an IEP or an Individualized Education Program. It basically lays out the modifications and accommodations that the school and teacher must comply with in order to meet the student's needs.

But, IEP's only apply to K-12 education. There are no IEP's in college or graduate school. However, many colleges do have an Office of Disability. And colleges can't discriminate against students for any disability the student may have.

I don't know how I found out about accommodations at the higher education level, but this summer I sought out the Office of Disability at my grad school to find out about what I am entitled to. Yesterday I finally followed up with them.

I brought a letter from my psychiatrist stating that I have a mood disorder and am under her care. And I had a 30-minute intake meeting with a staff member to discuss my medical and school histories. She determined that the two accommodations that would suit my circumstances best are extended time on 1-2 assignments per class per semester and 1-2 excused absences per class per semester. I knew about extended time as it is one of the accommodations some of my students received. But I was unaware of the excused absences.

I'm grateful to have been approved for these two accommodations. But in all honesty, I'm hoping that I won't need to use them. When I'm stable I can produce work. It's when I'm in the midst of an episode that I would need the help.

I really needed the help the first time I went to graduate school (for my Master's in Education. I'm now in school for my Master's in Social Work). I was depressed and could barely get out of bed to make it to student teaching and my seminar class. I did no work for my seminar class at all that semester; in fact, I didn't finish that work from fall semester until the spring semester. But at this time I wasn't diagnosed yet. I was just acting erratically. I didn't know what the problem was. I just knew I wasn't myself and I couldn't focus long enough to get my work done.

I'm hoping to make it through this grad program without enduring an episode. My program is three years long, so here's hoping. I say that because I have been manic and hospitalized every spring for the past three years. Three hospital stays in three years is a lot.

Despite that history, I'm hoping to stay stable. Thereby not needing the accommodations. But if I need them, they are there. I can't tell you how much peace of mind this brings me.

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Creative

I've always been a writer. But only recently have I taken an interest in other types of art. Two summers ago I took a drawing class. It was fun. And a year ago I attended a drawing class at MOCADA (Museum of Contemporary African Diasporan Arts) in Brooklyn. The class was taught by artist Shantell Martin.

When I was in DC last summer I bought the following clutch from one of the Smithsonian Museums.

And during one of my hospital stays we had art therapy. We made collages. Here's a collage a fellow patient made. I liked it so much so he let me keep it.

Here's the collage I made. I had both collages framed.

Here's what they looked like on my bedroom wall.