Mania... Ain't That a Bitch.

I always profess my love for my manias. I wholeheartedly believe that my mania has saved me twice. It's saved me from depression in 2007 and again in 2014. I was depressed for about two or three months in 2006. The depression ended because I became manic. At that time, I was not receiving treatment for the depression, neither psychotherapy nor psychiatric medications. I was depressed again in 2013-2014, but instead of lasting two or three months, it lasted eleven to twelve months. Thank God I wasn't suicidal. But my life was no cakewalk either. I felt incredibly empty. I had insomnia. The Seroquel had made me gain 52 pounds, so my normally 125-128 pound frame was now carrying 171 pounds. The weight made me feel sluggish and unattractive. I had no sex drive. During this depression, I was receiving treatment, both psychotherapy and meds. But the meds weren't working. And the only reason the depression ended was that I became manic. 

I was ecstatic to be manic again. I felt alive for the first time in a year. I felt more like myself. I had energy again. I started blogging. I vacationed. I saw multiple Broadway plays. I started dating and having sex again. Life was beautiful.

But I also started spending. And spending a lot. The mania lasted three months. Longer than my previous two manias. In 2007, I charged $10,000 when I was manic. During the summer of 2014, I charged $23,000 to my credit cards. I didn't realize it was this bad until I checked my online accounts and totaled my debt. I was crestfallen. In November I checked my credit report and unsurprisingly my score was poor. When just months before I had excellent credit.

The panic didn't really set in until I thought about what a poor credit score might mean for my plan to go back to graduate school. With poor credit, I probably wouldn't qualify for private student loans. I would still receive federal student loans, as these loans aren't tied to your creditworthiness. But federal loans alone are not enough to cover the total cost of attending school.

The good news is that I've been accepted to two graduate programs, I'm waiting to hear from the third school. Should have a decision within the next four weeks. And I just filed my FAFSA, so I should be getting my financial aid packages soon. So I'll know within the next few weeks what type of aid I'll receive.

Further good news is that I have made a dent in the credit card debt since the mania ended. I've managed to pay almost $10,000 towards the debt. Which is huge. I'm hoping it's enough to improve my credit score and to qualify for private student loans.

So yes, I still love the mania. I'm just not sure that the mania loves me.

Manic Shopping Spree 2014

I sometimes think in terms of musical lyrics. When I think about my addiction to shopping, this Kanye West line comes to mind: "Single black female addicted to retail" ("All Falls Down").

There are a number of symptoms that come along with being manic. The following list comes from the WebMD website:

• Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
• Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
• Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
• Rapid talk, talkativeness
• Distractibility
• Racing thoughts
• High sex drive
• Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
• Tendency to show poor judgment, such as impulsively deciding to quit a job
• Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
• Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

When I'm manic, I experience nearly every symptom. Yes, the mania feels good. And the mania has saved me from depression twice (2007 and 2014). By that, I mean, I was depressed and there was no sign that the depression was going to end. The depression only ended because I swung into a manic episode. This is why I love the mania.

A clinician once told me that mania is worse than depression in terms of life consequences. Manic people quit their jobs, have affairs, use high amounts of drugs and alcohol, engage in risky sexual behaviors, and spend lots of money. All choices that can wreak havoc on your life, finances, and relationships.

My mania manifests in me shopping a lot. In 2007 I charged $10,000 in two or three months. In 2013 I didn't charge anything. But in 2014 I charged $20,000 in three and a half months. That figure is just ridiculous. (I have really high credit card balances; this is not necessarily a good thing for a person suffering from bipolar disorder.) Note: my $20,000 isn't an unreasonable amount of money to have spent during a manic spree. I met a bipolar man who charged $150,000 in a week; he bought three new cars. His number made me feel a whole lot better about my damage!

But the truth remains, I am in such credit card debt.

I am not worried though. I have a plan to pay off the debt. And I bounced back from the 2007 spree. I know I will bounce back from this one too. My credit score was excellent the last time I checked it a few months ago. I know now that that is definitely no longer the case; I checked today. But I won't be making any big purchases (like a house or a car) anytime soon, so I'm not concerned with my credit score.

I know medicine isn't for everyone. But I couldn't imagine me manic and unmedicated. I spent this much money while medicated. I'd be totally out of control without the medicine.

In the future, to protect my finances from my manic self, I'm going to lower my credit card balances once I get the debt paid off. I might even give my credit and debit cards to my mother the next time I feel the mania coming on. Lack of impulse control and credit cards don't mix. I have certainly learned my lesson. Only took two spending sprees.

Shopping and Spending

When your manic, you have absolutely no impulse control. You make poor decisions. People have been known to have affairs, quit their jobs, spend a lot of money, and engage in risky and dangerous behaviors.

My vices are sex and shopping. I charged $10,000 in two or three months in 2007. I didn't spend any money in 2013. And in 2014 I charged $3,000. $3,000 is a lot more manageable than $10,000.

My mother helped me pay off my credit card debt in 2007. I was making around $25,000 per year as an instructional assistant/substitute teacher at the Newark charter school. I was paying a few hundred per month to student loans and to credit card debt. The debt depressed me. I had gone from zero to 60 in such a short amount of time. To go from zero credit card debt to $10,000 was debilitating. And I wasn't making much money at the time.

Despite going into such a deep financial hole seven years ago, my credit now is excellent. I still have credit card debt, which is why I moved back home with my mom. But I've created a budget; the debt will be gone in a year. Then I can afford to move back out on my own.

I know my credit is excellent because I checked my credit on AnnualCreditReport.com. (You get three free credit reports every year; when's the last time you checked your credit?) Also, one of my credit card carriers increased my credit limit to $15,500 from $13,000. I'm glad they did. It lowers my debt-to-credit ratio.

I've learned my lesson and have learned how to manage the mania much better now than I did in 2007. I've learned not to beat myself up about my debt. It's a part of life. However, once my credit card debt is gone at the end of next summer, I'm going to try my hardest not to amass any more credit card debt.

I've also been aggressively paying off my student loan debt. Between my two degrees I had $46,000 in student loan debt. Over the past two years I've paid off two of my three loans. I'm now down to $17,000. I'll be done paying off my last loan in four more years. (I cut my Sallie Mae consolidated loan repayment period down to 10 years from 20 years, saving over $30,000 in interest!) Just around the time I'll be graduating with my social work degree. And thankfully my job does 50% tuition remission. That's free money. So my first two degrees student loan debt won't overlap with the student loans from my third degree. I've planned this out very well. Remember, I'm a planner.