Manic Shopping Spree 2014

I sometimes think in terms of musical lyrics. When I think about my addiction to shopping, this Kanye West line comes to mind: "Single black female addicted to retail" ("All Falls Down").

There are a number of symptoms that come along with being manic. The following list comes from the WebMD website:

• Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
• Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
• Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
• Rapid talk, talkativeness
• Distractibility
• Racing thoughts
• High sex drive
• Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
• Tendency to show poor judgment, such as impulsively deciding to quit a job
• Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
• Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

When I'm manic, I experience nearly every symptom. Yes, the mania feels good. And the mania has saved me from depression twice (2007 and 2014). By that, I mean, I was depressed and there was no sign that the depression was going to end. The depression only ended because I swung into a manic episode. This is why I love the mania.

A clinician once told me that mania is worse than depression in terms of life consequences. Manic people quit their jobs, have affairs, use high amounts of drugs and alcohol, engage in risky sexual behaviors, and spend lots of money. All choices that can wreak havoc on your life, finances, and relationships.

My mania manifests in me shopping a lot. In 2007 I charged $10,000 in two or three months. In 2013 I didn't charge anything. But in 2014 I charged $20,000 in three and a half months. That figure is just ridiculous. (I have really high credit card balances; this is not necessarily a good thing for a person suffering from bipolar disorder.) Note: my $20,000 isn't an unreasonable amount of money to have spent during a manic spree. I met a bipolar man who charged $150,000 in a week; he bought three new cars. His number made me feel a whole lot better about my damage!

But the truth remains, I am in such credit card debt.

I am not worried though. I have a plan to pay off the debt. And I bounced back from the 2007 spree. I know I will bounce back from this one too. My credit score was excellent the last time I checked it a few months ago. I know now that that is definitely no longer the case; I checked today. But I won't be making any big purchases (like a house or a car) anytime soon, so I'm not concerned with my credit score.

I know medicine isn't for everyone. But I couldn't imagine me manic and unmedicated. I spent this much money while medicated. I'd be totally out of control without the medicine.

In the future, to protect my finances from my manic self, I'm going to lower my credit card balances once I get the debt paid off. I might even give my credit and debit cards to my mother the next time I feel the mania coming on. Lack of impulse control and credit cards don't mix. I have certainly learned my lesson. Only took two spending sprees.

IOP Concerns

Yesterday (Friday, June 27th) in IOP the therapist had us share our weekend plans. I'm trying to make up for lost time, so I have a lot of plans. Friday I had IOP from 10:30am to 2pm, met up with a friend for dinner at 4:30pm, saw Dave Chappelle with another friend at 8pm, then met another friend for drinks at 11:45pm. Today I'm going to Spike Lee's block party at noon, a Broadway play at 2:30pm, a Match.com dating meet up at 7pm, and a club at 10pm. And tomorrow I'm going to another Broadway play at 3pm.

Yes, it's a lot!

But after the year I had, I want to have fun. I have no responsibilities at the moment other than focusing on my recovery.

After I relayed my weekend plans, the therapist asked the group if anyone was concerned about me. Four out of twelve people raised their hands. The first person said they weren't really concerned, that they had more of an observation. She said that if she was new to the group she'd think that I was the therapist. This made me happy since I want to become a social worker. The next person said that it sounded like I was biting off more than I could chew and to be careful not to get overwhelmed. The group also had concerns about my shopping. I've charged about $3500 in three weeks.

I told them that I have no concerns. I told them that this is my 3rd depression, 3rd mania, 3rd hospitalization, 3rd IOP. I got this. I know how I behave when manic and depressed. I know my triggers. My warning signs. I know when to be concerned. I was concerned June 2nd, a few days before I went to the hospital. I'm not concerned anymore. Yes, I am still manic. But I'm coming down. I know that I'm coming down because the shopping has slowed down, I'm not posting as much to Facebook/Instagram/my blog. And I'm sleeping normally. I no longer take sleeping pills. Sleep is a huge marker! If I'm sleeping well on my own; I'm okay.

Two friends also relayed their concerns to me yesterday. One says that I shouldn't be dating right now. Says that I'll scare guys away since I'm still manic. And my other friend is worried about my shopping. I'm not worried about the shopping because I recently reworked my budget.  I'll be out of debt in 13 months. Moving back home with my mom was the best thing I could've done. Instead of paying $1375 in rent, I'm now putting $1000 per month on my credit card debt. I'm also saving a little over $400 per month.

I really do have this under control. I'm in IOP, I'm taking my medicine, I'm sleeping.

No need to worry.

Shopping and Spending

When your manic, you have absolutely no impulse control. You make poor decisions. People have been known to have affairs, quit their jobs, spend a lot of money, and engage in risky and dangerous behaviors.

My vices are sex and shopping. I charged $10,000 in two or three months in 2007. I didn't spend any money in 2013. And in 2014 I charged $3,000. $3,000 is a lot more manageable than $10,000.

My mother helped me pay off my credit card debt in 2007. I was making around $25,000 per year as an instructional assistant/substitute teacher at the Newark charter school. I was paying a few hundred per month to student loans and to credit card debt. The debt depressed me. I had gone from zero to 60 in such a short amount of time. To go from zero credit card debt to $10,000 was debilitating. And I wasn't making much money at the time.

Despite going into such a deep financial hole seven years ago, my credit now is excellent. I still have credit card debt, which is why I moved back home with my mom. But I've created a budget; the debt will be gone in a year. Then I can afford to move back out on my own.

I know my credit is excellent because I checked my credit on AnnualCreditReport.com. (You get three free credit reports every year; when's the last time you checked your credit?) Also, one of my credit card carriers increased my credit limit to $15,500 from $13,000. I'm glad they did. It lowers my debt-to-credit ratio.

I've learned my lesson and have learned how to manage the mania much better now than I did in 2007. I've learned not to beat myself up about my debt. It's a part of life. However, once my credit card debt is gone at the end of next summer, I'm going to try my hardest not to amass any more credit card debt.

I've also been aggressively paying off my student loan debt. Between my two degrees I had $46,000 in student loan debt. Over the past two years I've paid off two of my three loans. I'm now down to $17,000. I'll be done paying off my last loan in four more years. (I cut my Sallie Mae consolidated loan repayment period down to 10 years from 20 years, saving over $30,000 in interest!) Just around the time I'll be graduating with my social work degree. And thankfully my job does 50% tuition remission. That's free money. So my first two degrees student loan debt won't overlap with the student loans from my third degree. I've planned this out very well. Remember, I'm a planner.