Happy New Year, dear Readers!
One of my New Year's resolutions is to blog at least once per month. After I published my 5-part mania series in October, I stopped writing. I'm hoping to change that and to write more consistently.
After my most recent manic episode (September 2016), I had a lot of self-reflecting to do. I grew tired of taking my meds, so I began to take them inconsistently last summer. I didn't notice an immediate impact, but my spotty pill taking would eventually lead to a manic episode. Because of the consequences, I'm still kicking myself in the ass about that decision not to take my meds as prescribed.
There were two major consequences: more credit card debt and grad school fallout. I've accepted the fact that I'm in credit card debt, so when all was said and done, I did cringe at having a higher balance, but I've accepted that I spend when I'm manic. In the future, I'm hoping to use my mom and my fiance to help me control the spending. (Yup, fiance! I proposed when I was manic. We had been discussing getting married for a few months, so it wasn't entirely a manic, impulsive decision).
However, unlike the spending, I'm still struggling to come to terms with the grad school fallout. At the start of the fall semester, I was enrolled in three classes and a yearlong internship. After I became manic, I, along with the school administrators and my internship supervisor, decided that I should withdraw from my internship so I could focus on my recovery. Two of the three classes that I was taking were tied to the internship, so once I withdrew from one I had to withdraw from the others. That left me in one class.
No longer interning three days per week, I began applying for full-time work. I figured that if I couldn't at least intern, at least I could make some extra money. At the end of October I began working at a nearby high school in a position that fits into my needs. This job is a one-year assignment, so it'll end in June when the school year does. That is perfect for me and my grad school schedule. I'll hopefully work at a summer enrichment program for students/camp. Then, come September I'll be interning again.
Even though leaving the internship was best for my well-being and recovery, I can't help but feel disappointed. Disappointed that I won't be graduating when I originally thought. Disappointed in myself, because I brought this on myself. And disappointed that I won't be in classes with the two good friends I made in my program. I feel stagnant. Even though I know it's only temporary.
Manic Monique's Meanderings: My Journey to Wellness
My story of living, working, and loving with bipolar disorder. Welcome to my journey!
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Friday, October 21, 2016
Dear Future Manic Self
This is Part 5 in a 5-Part Series:
"When the World is Too Bright: An Intensive View of Mania from On the Ground"
Dear Future Manic Krystal,
Mania and you go together like peanut butter and jelly.
After five manias in nine years, it seems pretty inevitable. And this is okay.
You have learned how to cope and manage with the episodes. You have a system in
place. You have the support, encouragement, and help of loved ones. You are not
alone, Darling.
So don’t fear future manic episodes. Yes, an episode can be
a bit scary because you don’t know how high you’ll get or how destructive it will
be. But, Baby, you’ve lived through this before. Let me remind you. Five.
Times. 2007. 2013. 2014. 2015. 2016. If you’ve noticed, the last four years
have been particularly challenging for you with multiple manias and
hospitalizations. But guess what? This mania, you managed without the hospital.
This is the first time you have ever accomplished this. This, Baby, is
progress. You are learning and growing and maturing in how you handle and
manage the mania.
Just relish this for a moment: you are manic but you are not
in the hospital. That is huge! Even your therapist recognized it in your last
session. You have managed by coordinating care with your psychiatrist, your
therapist, and IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). You have recognized, yet
again, how important your psychotropic drugs are to your mental and mood
stability. Some people can manage without medicine. You are not one of those
people. And that’s okay! Really. It is. Everyone is an individual so why wouldn’t
their needs be individualized, too?
I think you charged about $5,000. But even that is progress.
Let’s celebrate every milestone. Considering that in the past you have charged
upwards of $10,000 at a time, $5,000 isn’t too
bad. Keep it in perspective. Do not beat yourself up. Despite the high
balances, your credit score is over 740. Just recognize that spending sprees
come with the territory. In the future though, please give your credit cards to
your accountability partner.
Despite the spending, the mania is not an all-bad
experience. During your fourth mania (2015), you incorporated two businesses. During
this, your fifth mania (2016), you managed to make one of the businesses into something
beautiful. You turned the life coaching company you incorporated into a
wellness coaching company. While manic, you wrote three curricula for the
company, planned a strategic and targeted audience to market to, met with a
small business mentor, solicited feedback from your friends and social media
contacts via a Google Form survey, and worked with an incredible graphic
designer to create a company-specific logo and forthcoming website. In short,
you got a lot done. And it’s great work. The creativity and productivity worked
in your favor. Yeah, you barely slept and you literally worked around the clock
but you created something permanent and important.
Lastly, the mania is not a curse. I know you used to feel
like your diagnosis was a source of suffering. But, Darling, do not take such a
negative view of the mania. You do not suffer from bipolar disorder; you live with bipolar disorder. You happen to get
manic more than you get depressed. Thus, your default mood is slightly more elevated
than the average person. That is okay. You are you. Relish in your uniqueness.
Bipolar, and mania in particular, have granted you some amazing gifts.
Appreciate them. Gifts such as being able to tell your story through blogging, connecting
with an international readership, meeting incredible women of color in your
social media support group, starting a memoir, and choosing to re-learn to
speak Spanish.
Be proactive; choose how you see the cup. Is it half full or
half empty? Your outlook on life actually shapes your experiences of life. To live with bipolar disorder is not the worst thing. Always remember that, Darling.
Love,
Your current hypomanic/manic self (2016)
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Pet Therapy and Mania
This is Part 4 in a 5-Part Series:
"When the World is Too Bright: An Intensive View of Mania from On the Ground"
(Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 Here)
"When the World is Too Bright: An Intensive View of Mania from On the Ground"
(Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 Here)
I moved back home with my mother a few years ago for
financial reasons. Now that I’m back in graduate school, it’s been an even
bigger help. My mom has a teensy tiny Yorkie, named Brandi. Brandi can be a
handful! She loves to give sloppy kisses and to sleep on top of your head or
under your back. She’s also a bit aggressive (aren’t the smaller dogs always
are?!) with other dogs and some people. But she can be a sweetheart.
When I started to feel manic, I’m sure she sensed it. She
followed me around even more than usual. Most nights, she chose to sleep with
me rather than in her own bed or with my mom. And I appreciated every minute of
it.
When I have been hospitalized or have attended IOP
(Intensive Outpatient Program) in the past, we have done pet therapy with dogs.
I am no animal lover, but there is something about animals loving on humans
when we don’t feel our best. It is an immediate mood booster and spirit lifter.
Or in the case of my mania, it slows me down and takes me
out of my head. When caring for Brandi, if my mom forgets, I have to remember
to feed her and take her for walks. I have to say that it is nice not to have
the full responsibility of caring for Brandi, but I do appreciate her presence
in my life.
Brandi’s kisses.
Cuddling with Brandi.
Lounging in the backyard
with Brandi.
I work; she plays.
Out for a walk.
Trying to get a head-on shot with her is so hard!
Brandi – look at the camera!
She loves the sun!
She will seek it out wherever it lands in the house.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Self-Care in Action via Photos: A Bipolar Consumer’s Attempt to Stave off Mania
This is Part 3 in a 5-Part Series:
When the World is Too Bright: An Intensive View of Mania from On the Ground"
(Read Part 1 and Part 2 Here)
(Read Part 1 and Part 2 Here)
I fancy myself an iPhone-photographer/Instagram-photographer! I love taking pictures throughout my week to document where I've been, what I've eaten, and what I've seen. However, I'm not much of a selfie taker. In fact, if you scroll through my Instagram feed, you'll notice that I post more photos of "stuff" (such as food, places, things) instead of people.
When I noticed that I was becoming manic, I decided that I wanted to document as much of this experience as possible - both through words (blogging) and photographs. What follows are the images of me engaging in self-care in an attempt to stave off a full-blown manic episode and a potential hospitalization. I was overly ambitious with the first two pictures, where I made collages of that day's self-care. However, after the first two days, I no longer possessed the wherewithal to sit still long enough to make cutesy collages of text and images.
This is an old acupuncture picture.
The other photos here are from that first Monday in September 2016.
On Tuesday, I had lunch with a friend and wrote a few
mania-themed haikus.
My bedroom always gets extremely messy when I am in
the throes of depression or mania.
This day, I took the time to straighten up.
This
was at one of my acupuncture sessions. My acupuncturist showed me
a
move I could do to ground myself. Mania lives in my head, so I literally have
to bring
my
head and heart closer to the earth.
These
are called “ear seeds.” They are tiny adhesive squares that have a tiny
black
seed in the center. The seed is placed over a pressure point. And throughout
the day,
I
massage the seed, sending pressure to that corresponding point. The pressure
points I focus on correspond to relaxation and sleep.
It
is extremely important to drink as much water as possible.
One
side effect of my psych meds is constipation. Increased water intake
helps
to keep my body hydrated and hopefully mitigate the drying effects of the meds.
I
have a hard time focusing when I am manic which often translates into
me not
eating enough. So
when I am manic and finally do decide/take time to eat, I like to eat meals
that I especially like. This is chicken teriyaki with brown rice and edamame.
Here's another photo of a snack I ate; it is a cored apple with caramel dip.
I’m sure you can tell that this photo made it onto my Instagram!
My
meds are processed through the liver. Once, a few years back, one of my meds
caused liver toxicity; I was immediately taken off that regimen. I like to drink Yogi Detox tea to counteract
the meds’ impact. I love colorful and beautiful things, and both the mug and my
journal meet those requirements.
Part of my self-care is looking put-together. When I
was depressed for the first time in 2006, I did not bathe or groom. When the
depression ended a few months later, I vowed to myself that I would always have
my hair done and I would always wear clothes that made me feel good.
This is my on-the-go pill box that I carry in my
purse. I also have a much larger pill box for daily use. The reason I spiraled
into mania is that I stopped taking my psych meds consistently a few months
back. As much self-care as I do, it would not matter if I am not also taking my
meds. The ultimate self-care for me is: adequate sleep, taking my meds
consistently and as prescribed, and managing my stress.
When I am manic, I am extra spiritual and religious. I
feel as if I commune better with God when I am manic. It becomes easier to see
His hand in my life. On this day, I went to church with my mother and shared a
blogging testimony. One of my readers left a comment on a recent blog post
saying that he was suicidal, but because of my words he decided to live. His
story was so humbling for me. I never really know if my blogging is impacting
my audience and readers. But his comment touched me to my core.
As I mentioned, Instagram is my favorite form of
social media. I’ve reposted memes,
but it wasn’t until this year that I started
creating my own memes. I am both a visual
person and a logophile (lover of
words). So memes combine both my loves.
Here's a meme I created recently.
Tune in tomorrow for part four...
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Mania Haikus: Using the Heightened Creativity to Process My Episode
This is Part 2 in a 5-Part Series:
I recently came across the poetry of Nayyirah Waheed. I
follow her on Instagram and she posts beautiful, bite-sized poetry. Reading her
work makes me want to write poetry, too.
At the beginning of the month (September 2016), I felt
the stirrings of mania. There were no spending sprees, nor hypersexuality, or
racing thoughts. Those are my typical symptoms. This time I only noticed two
changes: disturbances in my sleep and heightened creativity and productivity.
When I was manic in 2015, I incorporated a life coaching
company and a social justice curricular consulting company. I was so excited to
go into business for myself. I mean, why not? I had all these great ideas until
the mania dissipated. After I came down in 2015, I spent months recovering and
settling back into my homeostasis. The two businesses were the last things on
my mind.
Yet here I find myself, in September 2016, dusting off
the life coaching company and developing curricula for workshop presentations.
For the first week of September 2016, I feverishly researched and wrote, and
consulted, and designed. At first, I thought it was normal creative frenzy, but
when I didn’t sleep one night, I knew I was teetering into familiar territory. Mania is defined by excess. I was doing too much.
Here are five haikus I wrote to process the mania.
Here are five haikus I wrote to process the mania.
I
*Jessie Spano from Saved By The Bell
II
Wrote a business
plan.
Conducted a survey
too:
self-care
consulting.
III
I’m intentional
about self-care
coping skills.
Sleep. Breathe.
Eat. Shower.
IV
Be in the moment.
Try to calm the
energy.
Breathe, breathe,
breathe deeply.
V
Sleep escapes me,
{sigh}.
Too many creative
thoughts.
Can I just press
“pause”?
Tune in tomorrow for part three in the series...
Monday, October 17, 2016
Mania #5: What, How, Why
This is Part 1 in a 5-Part Series:
"When the World is Too Bright: An Intensive
View of Mania from On the Ground"
This is my fifth mania in the nine years since I have
been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. However, just because this is my fifth
mania doesn’t mean that the experience of the mania this time around hasn’t
been rough. I have been manic every year since 2013. Yup. 2013. 2014. 2015. And
now 2016. My mania manifests pretty
similarly each episode. For instance, I typically experience heightened
creativity and productivity, a heightened libido, impulsivity, spending sprees,
weight loss, loss of appetite, and sleep disturbances.
The
creativity and productivity feel incredible. I feel an intense need to create
when I am manic. During my third mania (in 2014), I started blogging about my
mental health journey. During my fourth (in 2015), I began a memoir and founded
two companies. However, this creativity and productivity are not without their
share of problems for me. When I first started blogging, I encountered boundary
issues with what and whom I wrote about. The two companies I founded set me
back about $8,000 in incorporation costs and website creations. I also shop
more. Over the life course of my disorder, I have charged around $30,000 on my
credit cards. I am currently still in credit card debt. Thus, the temporary
nature of my manic episodes have long-lasting consequences for me.
Yet,
this is the first manic episode that did not result in a hospitalization. In
the past, mania meant being hospitalized. My manias take me so high, so quickly
that in order to head it off at the pass, I check myself into the hospital. But
for my current manic episode, I am managing with IOP (Intensive Outpatient
Program) only. I attend IOP two days per week for 3.5 hours each day.
During
this current episode, I got the idea to re-brand my life coaching company as a
wellness company focused on promoting self-care. I stayed up all night writing
feverishly and researching best practices for self-care for the company. I became
really excited because I discovered that I could turn what I once perceived as
a manic financial blunder – starting a life coaching company in the first place
- into a viable source of income. It was almost confirmation that my manic-self
knew something my stable-self did not. However, once I was not sleeping through
the night, I knew I was in trouble.
I knew the excitement I was
experiencing was more than just normal excitement. I was less vigilant than
normal about having symptoms of mania because it was not springtime. All of my
previous manias occurred between the months of February and June. Now, in
September 2016, I exhibited symptoms. I didn’t know what to make of this change
to my norm.
In
response to the appearance of symptoms of mania, I increased the number of
acupuncture sessions I received from once every three weeks, to two to three
sessions per week. I also started taking my medicine consistently once again.
Since the summer, I had been inconsistently adhering to my psychiatric medicine
routines for various reasons - chief among them, I am just tired of taking pills.
I have been a compliant patient ever since I learned of my diagnosis. With the
exception of my first mania and my current manic episode, my manias are
generally caused by medicine changes my psychiatrist ordered (e.g. one medicine
caused liver toxicity so I had to come off it). However, this current mania is
my fault and I can definitely say “lesson learned.” As a result of my veering
from my medicine routine, I have added an additional year to my graduate
schooling since I am currently enrolled less than half-time. There will be no
more inconsistent medicine usage on my part.
Tune in tomorrow for part two in the series...
Tune in tomorrow for part two in the series...
Friday, September 9, 2016
Weight Gain Struggles
One of the enduring effects of my psychiatric medication side effects is the weight gain.
Side effects can occur when one starts a new medicine or when there is a dose change in a medicine one is already taking. I had a medicine dose change, an increase, in 2013, shortly after the picture on the left was taken to control a manic episode. In 2013 I gained 52 pounds over the span of a three- or four-month window of time.
In 2015, while manic again, I managed to lose about 25 pounds or so. I wasn't consciously trying to lose weight, I wasn't exercising, but when I'm manic I eat less. I wrote about my weight fluctuations last year. But since then I've gained all the weight back. I think it partly had to do with my birth control.
I used to avoid taking pictures after I initially gained the weight. I was used to being thin my entire life and to all of a sudden put on so much weight... I didn't like the way I looked in clothes. I felt frumpy.
Now, I make an effort to buy clothes that flatter my shape. And it doesn't hurt that my boyfriend likes my current body. It's a great boost to my self-esteem and body image.
I'd still like to lose some of this weight. I don't need to get back down to 128 pounds (I'm currently 169 pounds), but I want to be smaller. I haven't been exercising consistently. To change that, I signed up for a fitness class held at my town's recreation center. The first class is next week. I'm hoping to attend regularly.
Wish me luck!
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