Every year for the last three years I have been hospitalized for mania. That is, three hospitalizations in three years. To put that fact into perspective: I've been hospitalized four times, my first hospital stay was in 2007 but the second stay wasn't until 2013. That means I was stable for six whole years. But since 2013 stability has been hard to sustain.
All four of my manias have happened in the springtime. There's something about the sunshine and flowers blooming that send me into a tailspin. In fact, I wrote about me, mania, and the spring this time last year.
For the past few months I've been apprehensive about spring's arrival. I mean, three for three, what are the odds? And what are the odds that this year won't continue the trend? My boyfriend is claiming the Law of Averages for me. Meaning, my episodes will even out. I've had a crappy run of it the last three years, so my luck must look up soon. I don't know if I believe it, but I'm hoping that it's so.
Knowing that spring is coming and soon, I've been on high alert for warning signs of mania. For instance, twice in the past few weeks I've stayed up writing until the wee hours of the morning, midnight on the first occasion and 2am this morning. I felt incredibly productive and felt driven to keep working even though I know how important good sleep hygiene is. (Decreased sleep is often one of the first signs of mania and depression for me.)
You see, the mania doesn't care about my sleep. The mania is single-minded. But I can't feed into it, which I've now done twice.
However, I am taking care of myself: I take my psych meds regularly, I see my therapist every three weeks, I see my psychiatrist pretty regularly as well, I increased the frequency of my acupuncture sessions knowing that spring is a trouble time, I'm exercising and trying to eat healthy. On the self-care front I've got it covered. If only I could stop giving into the heightened-productivity impulses. I vow to work on that.
I claim that this year I won't be hospitalized.
But if I am, I will commit myself to recovery as I have done the previous four times. Neither mania, nor depression, will bring me to my knees.
I am more than my bipolar label.
Monique, I met you during a IOP program in 2013 and want to say your blog is inspiring and courageous. For the past few years, I have gone through a slow recovery but have finally have reached a certain level of wellness and stability. I identify and empathize with your struggle to stay on the path to wellness. Thank you for sharing updates on your life. I admire you and strive to be high-functioning person with bipolar such as yourself. I know you will do great things as a social worker once you finish your degree. You are definitely more than a bipolar label.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words about my blog and well-wishes for my future! Congratulations on your wellness and stability. I understand how difficult that is to achieve and maintain.
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